This Candidate Will Handle Hurricane Relief Better
It’s a clear choice
“Former President Donald Trump criticized the Biden administration’s response to the widespread devastation caused by Hurricane Helene, even as his supporters call for cuts to federal agencies that warn of weather disasters and deliver relief to hard-hit communities.” — Associated Press, 9/30/24
After the devastating impact of Hurricane Helene across the southeast, and with the presidential election just days away, it’s worth thinking about which candidate will respond more effectively to future disasters. Given his track record, Donald Trump is the clear choice.
The most important thing a president can do in the wake of a natural disaster is speculate about whether the people impacted deserve relief or not. Only Donald Trump has proven his ability to do just that. After Hurricane Maria devastated Puerto Rico, Donald Trump deliberately withheld aid because he thought the Puerto Rican government would use that money to pay off the island’s debts.
Although that turned out not to be the case, and although his decision partly contributed to the nearly 3,000 deaths from the storm, Trump deserves praise for putting fiscal responsibility above human life. The deaths of 3,000 Americans is a small price to pay for saving the federal government millions of dollars that, in hindsight, were not in any danger of being misused.
We also cannot forget the things President Trump did do for the people of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of the hurricane, which was one of the many unsung successes of his presidency. Who could forget the iconic moment where he bravely traveled to Puerto Rico to chuck several rolls of paper towels at disaster victims?
Vice President Kamala Harris has yet to hurl a single paper product towards any Floridians, Georgians, or North Carolinians. The total lack of paper towel tossing, quite frankly, speaks volumes.
Just look at who is on the ground in Georgia as we speak. Trump is in Valdosta, not as a presidential candidate, but as a concerned citizen who also happens to be visiting a crucial swing state while running for president. A good leader doesn’t care whether his presence might impede the efforts of local relief crews. Or question whether his visit would be a value-add. A good leader goes to the center of the action to give speeches, pose for photos, and attack his opponents.
Meanwhile, where is Vice President Kamala Harris? In Washington D.C. meeting with leaders to “coordinate relief efforts.” Even worse, she’s postponing her visits to the impacted areas until she can be sure she won’t get in the way of first responders. We need a leader who acts before they think, not the other way around.
Most importantly, Trump has a plan that will gut FEMA. He has already diverted emergency response money in the past, and his new plan will ensure that FEMA has less funding and fewer resources to deal with future disasters. This may seem like the exact opposite of how to beef up federal disaster response.
But, as usual, Donald Trump is playing 4D chess. By gutting FEMA, he will force the agency to think creatively about how to respond to the next hurricane. Picture FEMA agents Macgyvering rescue rafts out of old tires and wooden pallets. Or fashioning makeshift water filtration systems out of old socks and coffee filters. Only Trump understands that when it comes to relief aid, less money is actually more money.
Climate change may not be real, but natural disasters will always be a reality we’ll have to contend with. Only Trump has the past experience and future vision to help Americans through the next disaster. So don’t bother stocking up on paper towels or bottled water for the next disaster. Trump will be there to chuck that stuff straight at your head. That’s a promise.
Comments
In case you’re still wondering, yes, this is satire. This newsletter, The Takedown, is dedicated to topical satire about pop culture and politics. Subscribe for more spicy satirical takes!
Under POTUS 45's leadership, non-climate-change-induced natural disasters will occur every day, which means they won't be disasters anymore because they'll be "the weather," which means disaster relief will no longer be necessary. Problem solved.